[o][n][y][x] rising from the ashes..

++ Small ++

Everytime i try to fly, i fall without my wings, i feel so small..

I'm not big enough, not strong enough, not man enough, not futuristic enough..

Simply not enough..

What did i do? You seem to move on easy..

Why I can't feel the love for me anymore?

You were my home for as long as i can remember.. Does anybody know what it feels like to be homeless after being warm and loved for so long?

I don't need somebody.. I don't need anybody.. But somehow, I need you..

Pain knocks on my door nowadays.. Wonder what it wants..
The knocking only stops when you're next to me..

It's then i feel at home..

I want to go home...

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Hollow ++

I feel so hollow..
Damn hollow..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Halved ++

I'm in a new state. By new I don't mean good. In fact, its far from good. It's tormentingly horrible. Since 24 June 2005, I lived as a whole person. Everything in life seemed fuller, complete, reasonable, fresh, exciting and even the bad doesn't seem that bad. Basically, it was nice living life. But on 26 Jan 2007, I was split into 2 and now living as a half again. Its like trying to clap your hands and u realized that your right hand isn't there. It's like trying to chew off a piece of steak and u realized that your teeth isn't there. It's like trying to lean and cry on a shoulder but you realized that no one wants to be there for you. My world, my perspective, my future and my dreams are all literally stripped away from my soul, split and torn into 2 pieces, and half is given back to me, expecting that I live with that bleeding half.

People who knows me know I'm not one who cries easily. Looked upon as a happy-go-lucky person who always finds the silver lining and looks on the bright side of life and positivity is permanently in my mind. But recently I cry non-stop and wail like a baby at the slightest things. I'm not myself anymore and I know its not very manly but there's really nothing I can do to prevent this change. I always thought that by crying a person's soul will be comforted. But for me, it's damn painful to cry. And the pain pierces the mosts whenever I listen to this song. I highlighted the phrases that really rips my heart into pieces.

Goodbye My Lover
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

P.S What is necessary? I don't think pain and unhappiness is necessary. Do u?

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ +2,-2 ++

1st Minus:
Got effed from Mr Screwed-my-grandmother-this-morning-and-so-I
-have-a-reason-to-throw-a-cissyfied-menopause
-kinda-mood just because I didn't clear the ashtrays in a quick and professional way.. Said if i like to do thing slowly, he'll give me more things to do.. 1stly, watever. 2ndly, time past slow and it was so not busy. 3rdly, go fuck ur grandmother again.

1st Plus:
Customer wanted Malboro so I gave her mine. 2 sticks. And she tipped me $5. Then she called me over again and wanted to buy the rest of the pack (which is about 12 sticks or so) for $15. said to keep those tips for myself and not share as she thinks I'm the only one with real service. Those words lifted me up the entire night even though i wasn't allowed to keep the money and had to eventually exchange them back for my cigarettes which she added 4 more sticks for me.

2nd Minus:
Went to throw rubbish and we took about 1/2 hr (which we always do) but got effed by Ibu. Said we took too long. Actually she kept scolding Keith (guy who went to throw rubbish with me) with the occasional glance at me. Mr Screwed-my-grandmother-blah-blah-blah was standing next to her. Must have complained about us but whatever, I've so gotten used to his faggotty ways. Apparently, Keith pulled this stunt before and was even warned by Ibu. No wonder I wasn't scolded.

2nd Plus:
A big bunch of Russians (I think) came in and tried ordering but no one could understand their thick Russian english accent. Except me. Haha. Took their orders and even topped up one of the lady's Hi-Card for her. So once again, I got tipped. Proud. Then she asked Mr Screwed-my-blah-blah-blah how to check the balance of her Hi-Card and just seeing the Oh-shit-what-the-hell kinda look on his face is so hilarious. Finally went to help out and explain to her how to do it, with a Russian accent and all.

What a day..

My dear didn't call, didn't sms, or replied my sms when I messaged her at 1am. She doesn't normally sleep that early. Hmph. But I'm not gonna start my wild imaginations just yet.

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Happier ++

Right now, before the clock decides its time to leave the old year behind, I'm happy.. Yup.. I was down, spirits dampened and on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown just a few months ago but now I'm up, oiled, and ready to the take the new year by storm! (hopefully this gusto feeling lasts at least til September..)

Took a one week break from everything.. Leaving all worries and cares at the door, I inhaled a gigantic whiff of laziness, relaxation and for once not caring whether my 8 packs are still there or not and just eat whenever i want, whenever i can.. Its not something I'd recommend for a long-term basis but to feel this kinda feeling once in a full grown blue moon, it's exhilarating..

Of cuz there are a few downs here and there in my week of rest: being penniless, dog problems, people telling my i should make full use of the school holidays to work my tight arse off and earn money money money, the devil's occasional visit to tempt on what's right and what's wrong, but so far, my determination for a good week-of-leaving-all-the-shit-for-some-other-time has not dampened my spirits one bit.. And come next year, when the rain clouds start to part, I'll show the shit who's boss.. So all you shit heads better start watching what you say or do.. Cuz according to MY calender, 2007 is the year i kick ALOT of filthy ass(es)..

Hallelujah!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ NightmareAfterChristmas ++

As the year comes to and end, so has my dreams.. Our dreams.. Throwing away all the work we've done, all the blood we've put in, in hope for a better future.. Fatigue finally caught up with her as her love for me dies away slowly like a withered flower after spring.. A one and a half year spring.. Even if i'm half of the relationship, i feel like all i can do now is either pray or smoke, drink and eventually kill myself..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Xmas06 ++

It's 1.23am and I'm blogging first time on my new MacBook. I've just hosted 2 Xmas parties in a row and the house is beautifully decorated after being decorationless for nearly 5 years. But just 5 mins ago, I hanged up on a phone conversation that could possibly change all my dreams and plans for my entire life. Yup, not a very merry xmas in the end.

My dear asked for a break. Yet another break. And the whole squabble started after she asked me a lose-lose kinda question. "You'd live on bread and water as long as you have me by your side right?" Now, tell me if i did the wrong thing, but i said "yes". Which i think any guy would loved his girlfriend the way i did would answer the same way. Apparently, not. She said to me once that if i ask for a break, it would mean that the relationship is definitely going to be wrecked sooner or later. Whether there was love or not. It would mean that even trying is not going to help cuz the relationship is sure to be doomed. And i found that out through a horrible and despicable event where I had to pay a huge price to get it over. But the price i paid doesn't seem enough to assure her of my love for her. Sometimes i feel that NOTHING will be enough. Even if i went down and pay Hades a visit, stole his horn, lost a leg in the process, got caught while escaping, get chained up and tortured for 10 years, NOTHING will be enough. (For a person under alot of lost hopes and despair, that's a lot of imagination.)

I admire couples who face the same day to day shit as we do and still accepted, lived on, and loved on. I really do. The amount of sacrifice, patience and willingness is genuinely admirable. Would my life be better or worst without her? I honestly asked myself, and i came to an answer. As long as I'm with the person i love and be loved by that person endlessly, i couldn't care less of what life is gonna be cuz i without love, what is life? Very fairytale i know, but who cares about what the world thinks when u're the very person living ur own life?

I love this girl and honestly will do anything to make her life a better one (well, maybe except getting on good terms with mum. I tell u, her mum's impossible. Love the rest of her family though) but i need to know one thing, does she love me as much? Is she willing to pay the same amount of sacrifice and patience to keep loving me? Or will her love go as far as
our bank accounts can take us?

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Insomnia ++

Can't sleep. Feeling tired and sleepy but when i lie on my bed and close my eyes, i start thinking too much.. And i have school at 9 tomorrow.

I know people think i dun blog anymore. So i hope that this becomes a book that i can juz write watever I want. Naive but hopeful.

Honesty + Forgetfulness = Trouble
Compromising + Sarcasism = No Effort Made
With or without?
Sacrifice or compromise?
Honesty or Escape trouble if possible?

Just a few things that were haunting me. Not sure wat it means.

Found this while cruising around. And I pray to god she still feels the same. Well, watever it is, it was damn pleasant for me to read.

Still, I am hanging on. Trying to make things work, if not better. It is not easy. But love is never easy. Especially when he plays such a major role in my life. If one day, I discovered that he is not by my side... my whole world will come crashing down.

"You can find someone else better...", but does he know that he is the best? The one that I want to be with. Come what may, I will love you until my dying day.

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ McPhever! ++

Ladies & Gentlemen,

McPhever is spreading!
Beware and be indulged..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ $$ ++

Yay! I got 900 buckaroos from the Progressive Package! But there's so many things I need to do with it.. Money comes, money goes.. Cuz baby sometimes money just ain't enough..

To save money, I gotta eat bread for every meal everyday lah.. Been trying to do that but everytime I walk past the nasi lemak stall, temptations.. Haiz..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Haiz.. ++

Stress.
Weak.
Skinny.
Poor.
Tired.

My god. Nothing sounds good.

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Proud ++

Dear! I'm SO proud of you! So proud that it comes onto the blog.. You should know why.. My little air-bourne waitress.. My beautiful little service n' lair.. I'm damn proud of you.. It's like how you felt after you watched my performance.. Something like that.. I love you darling..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ When? ++

It's about time people start taking the word 'responsibility' seriously.. I mean, if not now, when? R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I, argh I give up..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Intense ++

Well, that's the word to describe everything that has been going on for the past few weeks.. Rehearsals for Urban Tapestry was hectic and ridiculously tiring.. It was like, everyday from 9am-8pm.. Dance til my knees turned jelly.. Bruises everywhere.. Backache, headache, heaty bcuz of lack of sleep.. But there's nothing I can do.. Except to bite my flesh and just push myself.. Thing is, most people around me don't understand my state.. But I won't go into further details..

Alas, the performances are over.. I think it went ok overall.. Not too good but not too bad either.. I was given a chance for a duet piece and honestly, I think I aced it.. I'm so proud of myself.. Anyways, I'm so glad everything's over.. Although I do miss the craziness of my fellow dancers.. Got to know alot of year 2's and year 3's better.. Made more friends.. Made closer friends.. Although I still get to see them once school start, but interaction will be very limited..

3 more days to my 8th month and I'm praying that it'll go past fast cuz the 7th month for us is going wrong.. Guess Shumin was right.. I find it harder and harder to understand wat she's thinking.. When asked, she always answers 'Nothing'.. I need to know.. I need to understand.. And even though I think I've tried my best, it doesn't seem enough for her.. But when I talk to her about all these, she'll ask for a breakup.. Cuz she thinks I'm not happy with her..

Dear, I'm sorry I had to post that out.. I really wana be with you til time ends.. But you need to open up to me more.. And don't question whether I'm happy with you or not.. Cuz u know I am.. And don't ask me if I hate you.. For you, that word is not anywhere near my dictionary.. I'm supposed to be ur other half.. I need you to tell me more things in you heart.. Open yourself to me.. I need to know.. Cuz I love you too much not to care..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ CNY06 ++

Woohoo! Gong Xi Fa Cai to all man! Ang paos aplenty!

My house is almost done.. My room looks cool (thank god and mum).. Painted it lime green and black.. My bed is black, my shelfs are black.. Gonna get a open-concept wardrobe done after the new year.. Got a cordless phone.. Got my very own built in CD rack (now I look like I opened a CD shop)! The marble flooring is once again reflective.. New air cons.. Juz feels like home finally..

So excited about the Finals of the Australian Open with Justine(my fave) vs Amelie (#3)! She beat #1 Lindsay Davenport, and #4 Maria Sharapova! And she's only #8! It's on Sat 10.30am.. Gotta wake up! Gotta catch that live no matter what..

Oh and you guys have GOT to watch Memoirs of a Geisha! Excellent film! Picture perfect, clean, good use of colours.. Direction and art of photography was brilliant too.. Not to mention ace performances by Zhang Ziyi, Gong Li & Michelle Yeo.. It's a MUST watch! Other movies I wana catch are Cheaper by the Dozen 2, I Not Stupid Too, In Her Shoes, Fun with Dick & Jane.. Anybody wana join me?

Once again, I wana wish everyone I know a very Happy Lunar New Year! Gong Xi, Gong Xi!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Err.. ++

Ever felt damn weird before? Like, you want to know about something cuz not knowing makes you damn uncomfortable but the more you know the more you wished you didn't knew at all yet the thirst for knowing continues.. I know it sounds complicating but that's exactly how I feel.. It's a very 'ARGH!' feeling.. Internal dilemma.. And it sucks (duh).. I won't elaborate cuz it's too personal.. All I can hope for is that time will eventually fade it away..

Looking on the bright side of life, is that I'm going to YanZi's concert this Saturday! It'll definitely brighten up these dark few days..

Oh and people who have no sense of responsibility shouldn't ask for it.. It's irritating..

Oh and I'm starting to feel the fatigue from all the dance rehearsals.. But the show's in Feb.. So it's tiring and pressurising..

School's been great!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Insufficient ++

I'm never enough..

Nuff said..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Results ++

Haha.. I got my results in the post.. And this is wat it says..

Ballet - C
Modern - C
Chinese Classical - C
Chinese Ethnic - B
S.E.Asia (Philippines) - B
Improvisation - A
Western Dance History - A
Dance Production - A
Music - A
Kinesiology - A

Basically, practical wise, I'm still struggling but as you can see, theory wise, haha.. Luckily I'm english educated.. I mean, if u're stuck with PRCs for like your entire diploma course, you'll be thankful you grew up in Singapore.. I'm just dying to go back to school and see how the China people did.. Lol..

I just got an invitation to go to M.O.S (Ministry of Sound not MOS Burger) tonight for free! Wat the hell rite? Invite me when I got no money.. How to go? Haiz..

Last night we went for a catch-up session with Alin, Siti, and Jean.. First we started out at Westmall coffeebean (typical man!) then headed over to Lot1 KBox.. Woah.. We had such a good time that my throat hurts now.. Seriously.. Will post the pics when I'm free lah..

Oh, and I'm back at hillview! So if there's anybody who's near me and wana meet up, gimme a call k?

Nearly ended it last night.. Can't believe it.. Feeling so tight & safe one moment, and loose and fragile the next.. Love is a nasty game.. It'll either make you or break you.. But it'll definitely do both in a lifetime.. It's like you can't sit and watch the sunset, sipping on peppermint tea.. You've gotta always be ready for the next fall, next sudden movement.. If not, you won't even know wat hit you..

But dear, please don't get it wrong.. I want it.. I really do.. It's just that I'm still learning how to play the game.. It's just the little feelings inside that has to come out.. Hope you'd understand..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Madonna ++

Anyone who has a normal brain with a normal mentality and a normal sense of music who is normal all-together, should definitely get Madonna's new album 'Confessions on a Dancefloor'! It's is full of hit-singles wannabes and it undoubtly one of the most addictive record I've ever listened to.. I think ever since I bought it, I've been listening to it at least 3 times a day averagely.. God.. It's a disco non-stop CD and it's a fab to work out with, jog, house chores, work that boring you outta ur mind, and basically every other thing you need to be doing! You don't have to dance if you don't want to (or if you have 2 left feet like many people I know) but you can definitely dance damn hard if you want to (or can)! For the entire duration of 57mins! Fav tracks would have to be 'Hung Up', 'Get Together', 'Sorry', 'Future Lover', 'Jump', 'Push', 'Isaac', 'How High', 'Like It Or Not'.. Omg, that's like, almost the whole CD la!

Or maybe just because it's Madonna.. Everybody knows I'm brand-conscience..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Missing ++

Haha.. Been getting lotsa 'Miss you' messages lately.. Thanks guys.. Will come out back into the real world soon.. Just layed the cement for my life and still waiting for it to dry.. Seriously, i duno wats taking it so long.. To everybody who misses me, juz wana let u know that I miss you too.. But you guys know my mobile number.. Call me whenever you feel like it k? U know I wun turn down a good catch-up..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Updates ++

Hi all.. I know this place has been dead for awhile but nevertheless, here are some updates for all u kay-pohs.. *winks

Dear sis has finally completed her O's
School holidays
Packing up my house to get ready for shifting
Shifting back to Hillview on Dec 10
Fengshui has completely ruined our chances of our dream house
I'll be getting my own room
Might have to give up Kasper but still trying my luck
Working temp for dad now alongside with Jean & Koonie's dad
50bucks a day is not bad but the job sucks
Last time I wana ever experience it: Dad = Boss = Urgh
Old computer (HP) got sent for major repair works (finally!)
My relationship with Jean has passed it's 5th month mark
Feeling like I'm in & being love(d) more & more these days
Feeling happier
Xmas is coming (oh, u guys already know that)
I'm running out of updates..

P.S: Dear, I told u I'd blog tonight n I did.. Haha..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Exams ++

Argh! Exams starting from next week lasting for 2 weeks! Mann.. Lemme see..

Ballet: Cannot make it
Modern: Got hope..
Chinese Classical: Cannot make it
Chinese Ethnic: Got hope..
Philippino: Pass with dead colours

Looks like it's gonna be a bad first semester..
Plus the holidays doesn't sound as exciting as it used to..
Dance rehearsals, Production works.. Haiz.. Busy busy busy..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Geraldine ++

My life now is almost perfect.. Smooth sailing.. No friendship problems, healthy love life, big dance projects coming up, doing extremely well in school (surprising.. haha..), feeling fit and healthy again, my 6 pack is back again, motivation on working out is back again, motivation to take responsiblity and clean the house, do the chores, yup, they're all back again.. Except for one thing.. This one big hole.. My sister..

Didn't know that I could miss her.. Probably cuz I see her everyday and even sometimes when I can't see her, I can hear her.. (Yah, she's that loud) What happened? She left home for abt a week now and she'll be gone til her O's are over.. She went over to her friend's place for a study boot camp or something.. Fredick doesn't trust her.. But I do.. And I hope that she doesn't disappoint the people that are standing by her determinations.. Especially my mum..

After her being gone for a week, all of us can tell that without her around, we're never quite a complete family.. There was a time when Fredick wasn't always around but we still lived on like he wasn't supposed to be around.. (Oops.. That sounded kinda harsh..) There was a time when I was missing too, when I went into NS, I was gone for very long.. But I didn't know if the situation was like now.. Like so, incomplete..

Ger, if you're reading this, all of us (ok, maybe not Fredick) misses you.. Especially me.. And Jean too.. You're my sister, my friend, my buddy, my room-mate, and so much more.. I'm not asking you to come home now.. I asking you to work hard, stand strong, do the best you can, then come home.. Do us proud ger, I believe you can do it.. I know you can do it..

Love ya..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Everything ++

I'm so blessed that I finally have everything I've been wanting for so long..

Canon IXUS 750
iPod nano
Crumpler Bag
Enough cash
And the Love of my life..

God.. I feel so complete.. Haha..

And grateful..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ 21 ++

Happy Birthday to me!!
Never knew I could've lasted this long.. Haha..
And I wana thank my parents for the past 21 years.. I know it was freakin tough but they hanged on.. Thanks Mum & Dad!
Thanks to all the people around me, good or bad.. They've either made life real pleasurable or taught me life's biggest lessons..
Finally, Jean.. I know we've been together not long but it's the future I'm more eager about..
To all those people who wished me Happy Birthday, thanks a lot dudes! Really. Appreciate. It.

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Shocked ++

Guess wat?! I got a iPod nano for my 21st birthday from my brother & my dear! Woohoo! One of the best birthday presents I ever got.. Mann!! It's juz too overwhelming for me man.. Until now I still feel like the whole thing is so surreal.. And over the weekend my dad's gona get me the latest digicam from Sony!

But somehow, I'm not really eager about my birthday.. Has the excitement really died down? I mean birthdays used to make me so excited but now what I want is juz to have a nice gathering with my friends and relatives.. Dinner with my family, gamble with my relatives, hang out with my friends, and spend lotsa alone time with my darling.. That's the ultimate birthday celebration man..

Oh, I still need a bag.. Haha.. My sis bailed out on the Crumpler she was intending to buy.. Damn..

P.S: Sharon, after I got the Nano, I saw ur blog.. Wahaha.. Okay I'll see what I can do about it.. Who knows by next year Apple would have come up with something better?

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Interdimensional ++

Ok, here's a little help to download the font for my blog..

Click on this link,
http://www.pingle.org/sliders
and follow these instructions..

Click on 'PC TrueType'
Save it.
Extract it.
Now open My Computer>Local Drive eg. C:>WINDOWS>Fonts
Copy & paste the file with the big 'T' on the icon in the this 'Fonts' folder.
Refresh this blog and view the correct design..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ NuSkin ++

Like FINALLY.. I found time to change the damn skin of my damn blog.. It's freakin simple but I like it, even though it's not up to whoever's standard.. And the theme this time is Britney! It's about time I commited this blog to her.. I am, afterall, a Britney fanatic.. Comments anybody?

P.S: Original design is in Interdimensional font so if u see some shit Ariel or New Times Roman, please go download the font.. Cuz it'll look damn crappy.. Peace!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Pumpin! ++

Woohoo! I catched the Black Eyed Peas LIVE in Singapore Indoor Stadium on 20th Sept 05!!! When I told people that I wanted to watch them, most people said that they can't perform live but thank god I didn't listen to them and still went ahead with it cuz I'll be doing myself great injustice by not attending the hardest, grooviest and most pumped up hip hop show I can ever ever imagine! Seriously! I even think that they sounded better during concert than in the CD cuz you can really feel the energy! It was the best birthday present so far! Courtesy of my dear of cuz.. Thanks dear!

The Peas were hilarious, audience-friendly, full of energy, and they sure know how to bring the house down with not just their songs, but also the things they said and the extra beats they blasted! The show started with 'Hey Mama', which I totally didn't expect.. And ended with 'Let's Get It Started', which I lagi didn't expect! There's isn't one dull song throughout the gig (yah, even the Philippino song was freakin' happening lah!) and I stood up throughout the concert bouncing my ass away! And I wasn't the only one! The house was packed with Caucasians and they sure know how to party! Although I'm not quite sure why there was a 50+ year old man in front of us.. He looked like a freakin business man or something.. But dear said he might have free tix so what the hell..

Aw mann.. I really wish I could turn back time, and relive the whole experience again! And again, and again! Now I can only pump to the tracks on CD, oh wait, I can't even do that now cuz my dear has turned into hardcore B.E.P's fan so she borrowed my CD.. (Go buy your own!) Now I must get the first album.. HMV, here I come!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Discipline ++

It's about time.. Yup, for me to pull my socks (I hardly wear socks) and start living a healthy life.. Being a dancer is already physically demanding.. But somehow, it's not really enough for me.. Here are the things I must start focusing on:

Quit the sticks
Sleep early
Go on a heavy duty protein diet
Workout every single day
Quit gulping down Coke
Eat more even though that means losing more money
Save money (ok, that's health for my bank account)

I really really wana be healthy again.. To be like what I used to be.. But I need motivation and somehow admiring the guys' bodies on 'Men'sHealth' is not quite enough.. Being healthy depends alot on mental and personal motivation.. Depends on discipline.. Now I'm gona see if I have that.. I'm turning 21 soon.. Can't carry on living like a teen.. Time to save and plan for the future.. Seriously..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ omFg ++

Does anyone know about the new iPod nano? It looks freakin cool can?! Gosh! It's a 2GB colour screen with a click wheel and it's only S$348!!!! If anybody who's keeping check, my (ehem) 21st (ehem) birthday is on the (EHEM) 3rd of next month.. So.. Heh heh.. Dun act blur ah.. I give u 364days to be blur but on this day, please dun.. Wahaha..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Bottled ++

You know how the feeling of bottling everything up feels? Seems like for the past fews days, lotsa thoughts have been pushed to the back of my mind.. And now the back of my mind is conjested with thoughts that I dun even know why and when I put them there.. And now I'm feeling cramped up.. I can juz sit there and stare.. Thinking about lost thoughts.. And when I ask myself, 'What the fuck am I thinking about?', I can't even answer.. I wana snap out of this daze but somehow, I can't..

P.S. Dear, I need to get angry sometimes.. I need to feel lousy, pissed, blur, couldnt-be-bothered, bad mood.. Sometimes.. I'm only human.. And when I'm like that, I juz need you to be the cushion, the water to my fire.. Dun worry, I promise it'll be rare..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Kasper II ++

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, aunties and uncles, mutts and minas, ah bengs and ah lians, and to everyone who simply bothers, I'm honoured to announce a life altering situation that I've been waiting for the past 2 years.. There's a brand new dog in my life, in fact, in my house! Yupz! It's.. *drum-roll* (okay wait, he's already on the title..) Kasper! Dream come true I tell ya..

Yups, that big gigantic monster in my small humble crib.. He's as tall as my dining table.. Imagine! Havoc awaits but I'm prepared for it.. I think.. Only problem is, there's no transport for him.. So I really gotta spend more time at home looking after him and cleaning up the messes he leaves behind.. Must show my mum that I can be responsible if I want to be.. Haha..

If any one wants to come take a look at him, juz call me and we'll arrange an appointment.. LOL.. Trust me, he's freakin friendly.. And a crowd pleaser too..

P.S. I'm sun burnt and I'm peeling like a black snake shedding it's skin.. I'll look like a Micheal Jackson that underwent only half of skin bleaching when I return to school.. I'm prepared for all the laughter.. Damn..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Kasper ++

I miss him so god-damn much.. We were brought together by fate and we stayed together for almost 2 years.. Recently, I saw him again.. And i nearly cried.. He was brought down to his bones.. Looking weak and unhappy.. I wished I could juz stay there and hugged him til time took us apart.. I never knew that the power of missing somebody could be so strong, until I felt it.. Damn i hate this world for being so real.. So god-damned real.. If only he could be mine again.. I would give anything..

Recently I've cleared my conjested lil heart and actually spilled my issues out to her.. She didn't actually take it too well, but i'm glad things finally worked out.. She too spilled her heart out.. I guess if anyone wants to have a clean and honest relationship that is gona last, they would have to go thru this stage.. It's a lil difficult at first cuz u'd never know how the other party would take it, and the thing is, u're always gona prepare for the worse.. That's why u wun move.. But if u cross that barrier, things are gona be much easier.. Although crossing that barrier is not that easy as it seems..

And nowadays, I seem to love her more than I loved her the first time we got together.. Well, I guess love DO grow.. And I know it would keep growing..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Hmm... ++

Is she getting sick of me?
Am I not understanding her enough?
Am I giving her too much freedom?

Hmm..

Haiz..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Fatigue ++

I love my life!
All thanks to Jean, Geraldine, and all my friends around me. New and old.
I love my dance school!
BUT..
I'm tired.. The only thing i'm not loving..
I wish I had more energy.. More life..
Damn tired..
Yawn..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Pissed ++

I'm seriously pissed at myself.
Completely a lump of useless git.
My brain's like a piece of rotting dump.
Argh.. I'll go mad soon I think..
Hopefully no one would save me.
Cuz I totally deserve it.

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Initial Step ++

Play your part guys.. It's gona be a blast.. I think.. Lol..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ S.T.M ++

Gawd.. Recently I've been suffering a bad case of STM.. I make plans and forget all about it the next and made new plans.. In the end, so many clashes.. So many malu malu situation.. Worst of all, alot of them involves my dear.. Haiz.. Dear, sorry.. It's not that you're not important enough.. It's just that my brain cells are dying out on me.. Really worried that it's gonna be a permanent thing.. Even planned to get a little planner to jot down every plan or happening.. Bet i'll forget to buy it in the end..

Got invovled in some charity thing held together by Siti and Xingru.. And Ivy & Cindy (NAFA pals) agreed to help perform.. Ahh.. Ivy's (from China) so excited over everything that she can't stop blabbering.. Cindy's a bit dead lah.. LOL.. I'm so NOT going to perform.. But I wana help choreograph! Excited!

Beginning to enjoy school.. And in the 3rd week, my muscles are sorta getting used to the hard work that I don't feel that tired anymore.. Past 2 weeks, everyday after class, I'd meet my dear and she'd call me a zombie.. I was like, so freakin tired, up to a point where I thought I'd pass out.. LOL.. Didn't lah.. Almost everyday was lidat.. But today, even when the day was tough.. I was bloody noisy and energetic after class! Surprisingly.. But my dear was half dead.. Now her turn.. LOL.. Luckily I can entertain her non stop..

P.S: I need money.. MOOLAHS!!!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Hectic ++

Haven been updating recently due to my sudden busy schedule.. If my blog was ever an entertainment for any of you.. Sorry ah.. Lol.. Haven touched a computer for so long..

School started on Monday.. Fun, interesting, though tiring and stressful.. It has only been like, wat? 4 days? And I already have a few close friends.. Thankful for that.. My legs are numb most of the time because all the dances are very new to me.. And doing them sort of waken up my muscles to a whole new level..

I was asked to join a dance troupe to dance a piece for Mediacorp.. A live TV award show put up by Vasantham Central.. Yah, Indian dance.. More like Bollywood actually.. I was damn interested so I went to try out on Tuesday after school.. Wah.. Cannot make it.. The choreographer cum leader of the troupe was an idiot to begin with.. Impatient and sarcastic.. And I was left with zero energy by the time I got home.. My legs were aching the next morning.. So I decided to dump the idea.. Concentrate on school better..

My dear has been the most supportive person in my life.. Always there.. Always understanding.. And I feel that we've connected deeper ever since we started the journey together.. Thanks dear, for everything..

I got no money.. NO MONEY.. No strength to work part time cuz of all the energy used in school.. NO MONEY.. My mum also very tight.. Haiz.. NO MONEY.. *prays* God, please create a miracle and let it rain cash.. Rain on me.. Amen.. NO MONEY..

My schedule is bloody hectic.. And it always seems like I have not enough sleep.. Actually I DON'T have enough sleep.. LOL.. Thank god I love being busy.. Can't imagine myself sitting at home watching TV all day..

Well, that's about it then..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Whole ++

The part of me that has felt empty and cold for the previous years of my life have warmed up and starting to feel complete.. Finally.. Watching romantic comedies and singing love songs suddenly have meaning and a sense to dream.. To feel.. Feeling lonely was a habit I grew on in the past but the habit died almost instantly.. The minute I fell in love.. Being in love has brought life a whole new meaning.. A whole new purpose.. The connection between 2 people feels so strong that I'm beginning to feel that there's no connection at all.. It's just 1 person in 2 souls.. Attraction, infatuation, lust, all feels so past tense.. And even when the water gets rough and the waves threaten to drown, as long as she's there, smiling at me, it's like the sun can dry up the whole ocean.. Or I can breathe underwater.. And even if I drown, I'll pass peacefully.. Just by knowing that she's there, thinking of me.. Jean, you're my rainbow after the tsunami..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ ChinaJump ++

Woah.. Lemme tell you this.. ChinaJump rocks big time! I know it's age limit is 25 for both genders but I managed to get in due to a friend.. God, and I'm forever grateful.. Lol.. And I went there for 2 nights in a row!

First, we (Jean & I) met up with Dell, Gabriel and her friends.. Which were really cool and fun people.. Had dinner (service sucks though) and then proceed in.. The music was great.. The band was great (I think it's even better than Insomnia) but most importantly, the company was great.. Gabriel and her friends happens to be dancers and so I didn't feel the least shy to dance my heart out! Wow.. The feeling was bloody ecstasic.. Ok, I literally danced from the minute I entered (11pm) the club until I left (2am).. I was feeling tired and had a headache but the music was just carrying my body and moving it with the flow.. It's like I had no control! Fun Fun Fun night out.. After that we went over to Dell's place and catch Constantine.. On DVD.. I love the film but Keanu Reeves looked too much like Neo in The Matrix.. Anyways.. Yah.. It's just the kinda night I've been dreaming about for too long..

Next night, we (Jean & I) went down again.. This time to catch the 'Live 8' concert on big screen.. The concert was cool but abit boring maybe cuz I was fucking sleepy.. Oh, and Electrico performed live.. They sound better live than on the CD actually.. The feeling was there.. Was waiting for Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey and Madonna but they never seem to appear (on 'Live 8' I mean..) so judging Jean's bored face, we left for frog porridge @ Geylang.. Jean can really eat non-stop I tell you.. Haha.. Dear, thanks for acting entertained even though you were bored.. Love you to bits..

Can't wait for another night like this.. Jean & Gabriel planning a ChinaBlack outing.. Confession: CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!!! Lol..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Hauntings ++

I pulled her towards me when she was already holding on to something else.. She decided that I was the one she wants to hang on to.. But somehow a piece of thread from the past seem to be hooked onto her.. And the more I pull, the tighter it grips.. Being with her is like a world in our own.. A feeling I've never had a chance to feel before.. The high and ecstasy feeling.. Addiction.. But I always can't help to think that in a second or juz a blink of an eye, she's looking at that thread.. She's still thinking of him.. And that feelings still haunts me.. I don't wana seem selfish because even if she's a tad happier with him than me, I'll let go.. I love her too much to see her sad.. I love her too much that all I long for is her being happy, her smile.. Even if I won't be there to experience it.. Am I doing the right thing? Or am I stupid to even think like that in the first place? Am I good enough for her? Am I in anyway a disappointment? Could I do better? All these questions have become a regular in my mind.. And I starting to get sick to keep thinking about it.. Cuz the answers to it never seem to come.. Only time will tell.. And I'm willing to wait for time..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Blessed ++

Every long lost dream,
Let me to where you are..
Others who broke my heart,
They were like northern stars..
Pointing me on my way,
into your loving arms..
This much I know it's true,
That God blessed the broken road
That let me straight to You..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Jean ++

My heart still beats as if it's around you.. And a split second after you leave, I miss you already.. Imaginations of the future comes flowing freely without hesitations or restrictions.. Even 10 years with you seems short.. New experiences awaits us with taunting risks but it's our love that will conquer every single one of them.. I feel so honoured to be even near you.. Let alone be with you.. I will be the man that you truly deserves.. Even if I can't, I will.. I never thought it was possible to love somebody anymore.. But the minute you came back into my life, you opened the door that leads us to a thousand other doors.. I love you..

P.S: We will do the Changi Airport thing one day.. I promise..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Chivas ++

After my Sentosa outing with Wendy & Serene, I was actually freakin tired and dying to go home, shower & sleep.. But my pals were waiting for me @ Habourfront and I was so hoping that we'd pop by a KTV or something and not sit @ a cafe and talk.. Cuz that would really set me on a yawning spree.. Thankfully for Jean (god bless her!), she brought us to PartyBox, a KTV, and we actually had like LOADS of fun there.. Ordered a Chivas bottle and gulped our sorrows away.. Well, actually, I didn't have any @ that time so I gulped it down for Siti & Jean.. Played lots of funny games and sang a few songs.. Though we didn't do it very well.. Haha.. Oh and we took like LOADS of pictures.. LOADS.. (hover guys, hover..)

Crazy Trio Shots..
when we're all still sober and sane..

jean tried to act shocked but failed miserably..

a charlie's angel with 2 morons as back up.. good luck ah..

I can still remember the smell of her hair..

Luckiest-Man-On-Earth Shots..
my tongue won't stop falling out! can't help it, can i?

Woah.. truly blessed.. and eager for more! lol..

all the attention is driving me crazy.. seriously on a high..

Retarded-Peace-Sign Shots..
take picture! take picture! we're so gona eat u up..

we want peace but jean wants war.. 'Get ur helmets!'

Damn proud of the nails.. Girls will be girls..

Siti's falling under Jean's spell.. 'Stop peace-ing!'

seriously.. this gona be a trademark.. all thanks to a certain bastard..

Nothing-Better-To-Do Shots..
erm.. can u please get ur own mic? i'm like, trying to like, carry a tune?

hmm.. shades in the dark KTV pub? screw loose..

OKAY, thank god i'm not the only one.. must be the Chivas..

Jean's looking for someone to drink with her and Siti juz got punched..

erm.. wassup with the retarded angle?? hello?

In-The-Cab Shots..
speak no evil, hear no evil, and erm.. peace no evil?!?

trynna kiss the camera but camera dun wana kiss her..

drunk and still damn proud of their manicured nails..

HELP!! hey, wat's godzilla doing in my cab? nevertheless, HELP!!

when Siti got out of the cab, we suddenly become happy and sane..

okay make that happy, sane and still drunk..

That night was fun fun fun.. And we still have a bottle there! So anytime soon, we should be heading back there.. Woohoo! Can't wait..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Girl ++

An angel for my troubles,
A friend I'm honoured to have..
A girl who's not getting what she deserves,
A lady I'd love til death..
A woman still searching for her life,
A person I'd hold onto til the day I die..

Love is just a word..
It feels more than that..

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Rainy Sentosa ++

Went to Sentosa (again!) this time with my Aunts Wendy n Serene along with Ashley and Geraldine.. Was planning to sun tan but just after we layed the mat and apply the tanning oil, it rained.. Wahaha.. Bloody suay lah! So lazed on wet sand and in the cold lagoon for the rest of the day.. Evening went to makan @ Sunset Bay.. The food was considered good for a meal on the beach but not that fantastic if the place supposed to be that famous.. Then Ashley wanted to watch Musical Fountains.. Freakin lame lah! Stupid Kiki.. Zzz.. Check out the pics.. (Pls do the usual hovering..)

Ashley n Wendy on the way to Sentosa

Isn't she a natural in front of the camera?

A peacock invaded our breakfast.. Ashley ended up giving her whole donut to him..

Siow! No rain still got mood to take picture..

We were waiting for the girls to bathe.. God, they take ages!

Marching over to have our dinner @ Sunset Bay!

Was waiting for dinner when we took this.. Naturally perfect..

Imagine, dinner @ the beach during sunset.. Woot!

A normal bridge with a little artistic touch..

Ashley dancing in the car.. You go girl!

After that, I met the girls @ habourfront then we went over to a KTV pub and downed our worries away.. That, I'll elaborate further in the next post.. Til then, ciao!

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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++ Kayak ++

I'd never experienced a perfect day until just recently.. The day when 3 good friends decided to break the boring cycle of stagnant life and come out and do something we all love.. Kayak.. Just me & 2 BEAUTIFUL & HOT BABES!! (I was made to say that.. ;p) Started the day by having lotsa fun eating Macdonalds breakfast under heavy rain.. The simple pleasures of life is sometimes so over looked and you'd never expect that just by sipping hot tea in a weather like this with 2 friends could be so.. heavenly.. Then in a long bus trip to East Coast Park, there was never a second dull.. Taking funny pictures and laughing all the way, you'd never believe that riding a bus would be fun.. Lol.. When we reached ECP, the rain stop and the weather was cool.. Perfect for kayaking.. After all the wet fun (capsizing, standing on the kayak doing ridiculous things, helping Siti up to the kayak, or just floating aimlessly in the big ocean..) we headed down to Dimbula to meet up with another good friend, Darni.. And we had free coffee! Slurp.. Then Jean & I headed down to Bugis for steamboat! Woah.. The perfection didn't stop there.. After burping out our last satisfaction, we joined Siti & Darni @ Forum Coffeebean.. Imagine how many good things can happen in a day.. That is truly a day I'd never forget.. And IF i do, there are loads of pictures to help me hold on to those sweet memories.. Wana see some? (As usual, hover over for tongue in cheek comments!)

Rainy McDonald's..
Siti didn't eat anything.. Afraid she'll sink later..

Siti didn't eat anything.. Afraid she'll sink later..

Miss Photogenic with a cap that made her less cute.. Thus the fingers..

Siti was yakking so we decided to do this shot..

Siti had to hide behind Jean to look 'smaller'..

The Bus Ride.. (Jean was Zzzing)
Wink any harder and our pimples are gona explode..

'Take picture, take picture!' Don't tell me u're not laughing now..

Wah.. Angry sia.. What?! Wana fight ah?! Come ah!

Haha.. No lah.. We're just idiots trying to look cool..

See? We're really nice (& retarded) people.. REALLY!!

B4 Kayaking..
Leaving Siti behind was Jean's forte..

And Jean succeeded once again! V is for victory.. ok, lame..

Jean wants peace, Siti wants to be included & I want a proper neck..

A perfect picture that was ruined by Siti cuz she can't find the camera..

'Nice kayaks for display nia, take those next to the toilet..'

After Kayaking.. (Sorry, no 'during')
Tired and lazing in the sun but Siti was shouting 'squeeze those abs!'

Her shades too dark so she didn't realize that we're already on land.. Hard, concrete land..

We took like, 10 shots of this pose.. Seriously.. Yet the best one (this) still look like shit..

Jean's damn sick n tired of the camera but I didn't care..

Jean getting fed up, Siti still trying to perfect her cheeky pose for the camera while I sip on heaven..

Trying to seduce the camera man but failed miserably..

Ahh.. Much better! Camera man goes for sweet personalities!

One of the last shots b4 the camera gave up and died..

The camera came back to life when he was asked to shoot me! Haha..

Hope u guys enjoyed the pics as much as I enjoyed snapping them.. Although I didn't like all the resizing, uploading, commenting.. LOL.. *screams to Jean & Siti: 'I wana go kayaking again!!' Looking forward to another day of perfection with my 2 BEAUTIFUL n DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS BABES!! (Hehe.. I myself wanted to say that..)

nine5ouLz ___the shadows of the onyx are like mine

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